


It's Getting Hot In Here, So Take Off All Your Clothes

by dancinginthecenteroftheworld



Series: JB Appreciation Week 2019 [2]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Bad Pick-Up Lines, F/M, Jaime Lannister Is A Dork, Jaime Lannister Is Extra, Jaime/Brienne Appreciation Week, Meddling Margaery Tyrell, Oblivious Brienne of Tarth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2019-10-01
Packaged: 2020-11-10 14:26:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20853272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dancinginthecenteroftheworld/pseuds/dancinginthecenteroftheworld
Summary: Brienne Tarth likes working at Winterfell coffee, but she seems to attract the strangest customers.Prompt: Jaime Lannister's cheesy pick-up lines





	It's Getting Hot In Here, So Take Off All Your Clothes

**Author's Note:**

> Beta'd by maevewren, who is amazing and the first person to add commas to my work.

Brienne Tarth is starting to wonder if she's a magnet for weird people or if she just has bad luck.

The man at the counter of Winterfell Coffee is probably the most beautiful man she's ever seen, but Brienne is becoming concerned about his mental state.

He's a new regular, and when he first started coming in Brienne had stumbled over her words, struck by his looks, almost spilling his drink all over the counter. It's always, always obvious when she thinks someone is attractive, and she's sure he'll be so horrified he won't return, but he does.

He's started asking some strange questions each time, though, and Brienne is starting to worry about him.

"I'm not lost," she says, scanning his face to see if there are any signs of an obvious medical condition. "I work here."

Maybe it's a joke? It wouldn't be the first time Brienne has missed someone openly mocking her, at least until the inevitable laughter clues her in.

The man sighs, opening his mouth again, but Brienne cuts him off. "Your coffee will be ready at the end of the bar."

"People are so weird," she mutters to Arya, her fellow barista. Arya nods in agreement. 

The man at Arya's register is stifling a laugh and Brienne sighs. So the man _had_ been mocking her. 

Well, it could be worse. At least this isn't high school, when she'd had to face her tormentors in class day after day, year after year.

This man is just a customer. Maybe he'll stop coming in. 

Except that he comes back the next morning, golden hair mussed and a small smirk on his face. 

"Are you tired?" he asks, after he orders his maple pecan abomination of a latte.

"Thanks for pointing it out," Brienne snaps, irritated. "I've been here since four am, yes I'm tired."

She shoves his change in his direction and goes off to clean the espresso machine before he can answer.

The man comes back later, near the end of Brienne's shift, for yet another large, sugary coffee. 

"Is it hot in here?" he wonders, loitering near the baked goods case.

Brienne raises an eyebrow and glances at her coworkers. Arya is wearing a knitted hat, Sansa has fingerless gloves on while manning the register, and even Margaery has abandoned fashion to pull on a cardigan. Brienne herself is draped in a hoodie and scarf.

"No," she tells him. "Maybe you have a fever. There's an urgent care down the street."

"He's cute," Margaery says, after he leaves. 

"I think he might be a little crazy," Brienne says, although he doesn't look like the people who come in muttering their hallucinations. He looks like a successful businessman, one with a lot of money. Or a model.

"Maybe he's just trying to talk to you," Margaery says. 

Brienne snorts. "Unlikely," she tells her friend.

"Don't you need my name for that?" he asks the next day, as Brienne slides his cup, with an extra pump of eggnog syrup, over to where Margaery is brewing espresso.

"No," she tells him. "Nobody else orders such disgustingly sugary drinks."

The man sighs.

"It's not a bad idea," Margaery says, from behind a cloud of steam. "We should start asking."

Arya shrugs and poses the question to her regular, a tall, slender man with long hair who gives Brienne the creeps.

"A man has no name," he says, face perfectly blank.

"My phone is broken," the beautiful man says in the afternoon, as Brienne is grabbing his triple chocolate muffin. 

"There's an Apple store three blocks left," she says, cutting him off before he can start describing his issues. "We're not tech support."

"He always comes to your register," Margaery tells Brienne after he leaves."I think he likes you."

Brienne scowls. She knows what she looks like, too tall, too ugly, too mannish for a man like that to even look twice at. "Don't be ridiculous."

Margaery is on the other register the next morning, and she elbows Brienne when the golden-haired man enters. 

"Don't forget to ask his name," she chirps, as Brienne keys in the price for a strawberry nutella latte. 

"It's Jaime," the man says, with a smile full of blindingly white teeth.

"He's the first person to buy this abomination of a drink," Brienne tells Margaery, ignoring Sansa's indignant shout in defense of her creation. "Who would take it?"

"Are you religious?" Jaime says, after ordering a maple bacon coffee after lunch.

"No pamphleting allowed on the premises," Brienne tells him. 

Margaery regards Brienne solemnly after Jaime leaves. 

"There was a line at your register and Arya's was open," Margaery says. "But he waited for you."

Brienne rolls her eyes.

When Jaime, whose eyes are a shade of green Brienne thought existed only in fiction, comes in the next morning, he's accompanied by a dwarf.

"Do you know what this shirt is made of?" he says, leaning on the counter. 

"Why would I care?" Brienne says, grabbing the ingredients for his apple pie coffee and passing his companion's sensible cappuccino order to Sansa.

The dwarf bursts into laughter, and Brienne can feel her cheeks heating up behind the machine.

Of course, she's missing the joke at her expense yet again.

She holds her head high, refusing to meet Jaime's gaze as she hands over his coffee. She won't give him the satisfaction of seeing that he's upset her. Jaime looks almost disappointed at having failed to provoke a reaction.

"I hate men," she grumbles after they leave. "Why do they always have to make fun of me?"

She sees Sansa and Margaery huddled together at the fridge and winces at the thought that her friends are laughing too.

"Who's going to tell her?" she overhears Sansa asking as she walks past.

"I know he's mocking," Brienne snaps at the pair, who look at her with wide eyes. "You don't have to explain."

Brienne tries to escape when she sees him coming in the afternoon, but Margaery suddenly feels ill and she's stuck manning the register.

"I lost my keys," Jaime says, watching her pump banana and chocolate syrup into his cup.

"There's a locksmith on 10th," Brienne tells him, at the same time that Arya sticks her head up from where she's been stocking sandwiches.

"I can pick the lock," Arya offers, a gleam in her eye.

Jaime looks between the two of them, a frustrated look in his eyes.

"Never mind," he says.

Brienne tries to hide in the back the next morning, but Margaery grabs her sleeve.

"No," Margaery says grimly. "I can't take this anymore."

Brienne doesn't get a chance to ask what she means before Jaime is at the counter, ordering a butterbeer latte.

"Stop," Margaery says to him, before he can say anything else. Ignoring Sansa's squeals of delight over someone ordering her newest creation, Margaery drags Brienne out from behind the counter.

For someone half Brienne's size, Margaery is very determined.

"I can't take this anymore," Margaery says, standing between them. She rounds on Jaime.

"You're terrible at this," she tells him. "Those lines are awful."

Then she turns to Brienne.

"He's been hitting on you for weeks," Margaery says. "Or trying to. He's very bad at it."

Jaime looks away, suddenly, and Brienne feels her mouth drop open.

"No, he's making fun of me," she says to Margaery.

"I'm not," Jaime says, suddenly looking back her way.

Brienne blinks in confusion.

"She has no idea what you're trying to do," Margaery tells Jaime. "And frankly, it's becoming physically painful to watch."

"He can't be," Brienne says weakly. 

"He is," Margaery says, at the same time Jaime says "I am."

Brienne suddenly feels dizzy.

"Or I would be, if you'd ever give me a chance to finish," Jaime says. 

"For your sake, please don't," Margaery tells him. "Those lines are really bad. Nobody is going to go out with you after one of those."

Margaery takes a step back, leaving Brienne and Jaime facing each other.

"You are?" Brienne asks. Her voice seems very soft and not at all like it normally does.

"For weeks," Jaime says. "And I still don't even know your name."

"It's Brienne," Brienne says.

"Brienne," Jaime says. He takes a step closer.

He's very close, Brienne realizes, and she should move away, but she feels rooted to the spot.

"Brienne," Jaime says again, his voice sounding lower and rougher. "I have been trying, and apparently failing, to ask you out for weeks now."

"Oh ..."

Jaime shuts his eyes briefly, like he's seeking patience, and Brienne can feel her shoulders slump. She's doing something wrong again.

"Would you go out with me?" Jaime asks, staring at her intently. 

"I swear to god if you say no," Margaery mutters from behind the counter. "I will kill you both myself."

"Yes," Brienne tells Jaime, praying this isn't a joke, a prank like before.

"Oh good," Jaime says, and then he's leaning up and covering her lips with his and Brienne forgets for a minute how to breathe.

Jaime has to go up on his toes to reach her, but he doesn't seem to mind, not with the way his arms are wrapping around her and he's pressing her backward to the edge of the counter. 

Brienne hasn't been kissed much, not by anyone taking it seriously, and she struggles to keep up as Jaime licks into her mouth, pulling her tight against him.

They're both breathing heavier when they pull apart for air, Jaime immediately moving to kiss along her jaw while Brienne clutches at his shoulders and tries to figure out what just happened.

"Okay, get a room," Margaery says, smirking.

"Yeah, we do serve food here, you know," Arya tells them, wrinkling her nose. "I'm going to have to sanitize that counter now."

"Six o'clock," Jaime says, ignoring Arya and nipping at Brienne's earlobe. Her knees threaten to give out. "The Dornish place next door. Sound good?"

Brienne manages to nod dumbly. 

Jaime kisses her again, hard and fast, before pulling away to walk out the door, leaving Brienne staring after him while Margaery and Sansa sigh dreamily in the background.

"Do you believe in love at first sight," Jaime asks weeks later, when they're lying in his bed, naked and sweaty and he's tracing the freckles covering her shoulder. "Or should I walk past again?"

Brienne groans. 

**Author's Note:**

> Jaime's Pickup Lines: 
> 
> Are you lost? Because heaven is a long way from here.  
Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all night.  
Is it hot in here? Or is it just you?  
My phone is broken. It doesn't have your number in it.  
Are you religious? Because you're the answer to all my prayers.  
Do you know what this shirt is made of? Boyfriend material.  
I lost my keys. Can I check your pants?
> 
> Also song is from Nelly, and clearly something canon!Jaime would use as a pickup line - oh wait, he did.
> 
> Also, strawberry nutella lattes do exist and taste a lot better than they sound. I accidentally tried and by accidentally, I mean the barista was hot and tattooed and I just nodded along with everything he said and somehow I had a strawberry nutella latte at the end of it


End file.
